Last week, the question was "Can men & women be just friends?" While I discussed how being honest can save you many misunderstandings later on, Julia's story served as an example of what false intentions and misinterpretations can do. I promised to share an update on her story so without further delay, here it is:
Julia called me and her tone was a lot lighter compared to our last conversation. She thanked me for the advice I gave her. Not leaving me in suspense any longer, she explained that Robert still did not reply to her email. She asked if he had received it and he admitted he had. She concluded that his obvious ignorance was not worth confronting and decided to drop it the whole thing. She was no longer upset, but rather motivated. "Sometimes it's best to rely on yourself. People often find a way to let you down, because they sense they won't be rewarded for their efforts" She said with hint of sadness.
I knew exactly what Julia was talking about; this is prime example of reality vs illusion. What you expect and what you get are, at times, different. Julia found someone she could talk to and finding out that they shared a common passion was icing on the cake. Its just like that friend you can go shopping with or the one you can watch the game with on Sunday afternoons. Julia wasn't looking for a date, but that didn't mean she had to hide herself away from men. If Robert had been a little more forthcoming with his intentions or a bit more clever about them, this breakdown in communication and now "separation" could have been avoided. I'm not saying that his declaration would have won him the gold medal; it's a gamble. But in my opinion, to take a chance and lose is better than being deceitful and losing. Do you see the difference?
I know it can be argued that this situation may have been blown out of proportion, and that may not be far from the truth. Here's the rub: more times than not, the principle of a matter outweighs the actions themselves. This was Julia's argument. It was a promise made and an empty one at best, that didn't come true. What's the lesson here? ?Take things (and people) with a grain of salt.
At the end of our conversation, I wished Julia luck on her future endeavors and as always keep me posted. As for Robert, I hope that for him this was a lesson in being sincere and honest. He may be kicking himself for not being his true self. No matter what men & women are thinking about themselves or each other, always put your best foot forward and hope things go your way. If it doesn't, you can always start over again tomorrow with a better game plan.
Shamira
Do you have a story to share or a topic you'd like me to write in my next post? Feel free to email me: thaluvchild@gmail.com
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Thursday, October 23, 2008
What are Men & Women Thinking? Part 1
Reality vs. Illusion
This topic never ceases to amaze me; sometimes it makes me laugh and other times it sends me fuming. It’s said, in general, that the male ego is huge yet very fragile. I call the male ego a paradox; as “huge” as it is, when denied, falls apart. I’m not here to bash anyone, but to better understand the psyche (men in particular).
I draw upon a classic situation of lovers vs. friends. It’s been frequently asked “Can men and women be friends with no physical intimacy?” Many of those I asked have mixed responses. What do I think? I think it can be done, WITH a solid game plan. In my opinion a solid game plan has a lot to do with timing and above all else, honesty. We also need to learn to be good losers or practice patience, if the main goal is of a romantic nature. Here is a current situation one of my friends is involved in:
Julia and Robert have known each other for many years and share many mutual friends. But even with that notion, they only considered each other as acquaintances. One day Julia receives an email from her Myspace account. Robert had sent her a friend request as well as a message, asking to if they could get to know each other. After weeks of learning tidbits about each other, they discovered that they had a mutual interest in corporate advertising. Julia was eager to get back into the workforce and advertising is where her heart is. Robert is part of the marketing department in his company and suggested that consider them in her hunt; they were currently looking for a Jr. Advertising rep. He even took a step further in saying that he could organize an interview for her, if she was interested. After some deliberation, she emailed Robert expressing her interest and asked what would she need to do (forwarding CV, line up possible references, etc).
It’s been several days since she sent of that email, when Julia called me fuming. I listened closely and with an empathetic ear. When she finished, I explained to her that it only had been a few days, but I do understand her frustration. However, Julia told me something that set off a small alarm in my head; he did contact her on MSN to chat. There was no mention of the job or if he spoke with HR. It was at this point that she decided to block him for a while, to figure out what was going on. I asked her to keep me posted on any new developments that occur. Certain things need to be considered here: first, men and women’s memory bank don’t work in the same way. What we all value as important, differs greatly between the sexes. I told Julia that it’s very possible that he simply forgot, and sitting there fuming about it won’t solve anything. Second, men’s approach to women is initially physical. Women don’t deny the physical, but are more in tune with the emotional needs a man can provide her. I didn’t need to explain to Julia that Robert may be physically attracted to her; I think she found that out on her own. What I did need to tell her is to be patient. If, after a week, she hasn’t heard from Robert about the job, she can do one of two things: asked him if he’s received her email or drop the whole thing altogether. I told her "if it were me, I’d drop it; Be a good loser.”
Being a good loser sounds like an oxymoron on paper, but it’s vital when dealing with things that are beyond your control. Examining Julia’s situation, both her and Robert want different things. Julia would like to get back into the flow of things and Robert may possibly be ready to date. I must say that Robert’s game plan had not been proof-read and quite frankly question how he still has a job as an advertiser! Will Robert eventually find the courage to ask Julia out and get some of his feelings out in the open? Will Julia finally land the job that she’s looking for and be able to maintain communications with Robert? Only time will tell how this situation will play out. Being honest can save a lot of wasted time and energy. In the end I hope that Robert and Julia can be completely honest with each other.
Stay tuned…
Note: names have been changed to protect the individual’s identity.
Shamira
Do you have a story to share or a topic you'd like me to write in my next post? Feel free to email me: thaluvchild@gmail.com
This topic never ceases to amaze me; sometimes it makes me laugh and other times it sends me fuming. It’s said, in general, that the male ego is huge yet very fragile. I call the male ego a paradox; as “huge” as it is, when denied, falls apart. I’m not here to bash anyone, but to better understand the psyche (men in particular).
I draw upon a classic situation of lovers vs. friends. It’s been frequently asked “Can men and women be friends with no physical intimacy?” Many of those I asked have mixed responses. What do I think? I think it can be done, WITH a solid game plan. In my opinion a solid game plan has a lot to do with timing and above all else, honesty. We also need to learn to be good losers or practice patience, if the main goal is of a romantic nature. Here is a current situation one of my friends is involved in:
Julia and Robert have known each other for many years and share many mutual friends. But even with that notion, they only considered each other as acquaintances. One day Julia receives an email from her Myspace account. Robert had sent her a friend request as well as a message, asking to if they could get to know each other. After weeks of learning tidbits about each other, they discovered that they had a mutual interest in corporate advertising. Julia was eager to get back into the workforce and advertising is where her heart is. Robert is part of the marketing department in his company and suggested that consider them in her hunt; they were currently looking for a Jr. Advertising rep. He even took a step further in saying that he could organize an interview for her, if she was interested. After some deliberation, she emailed Robert expressing her interest and asked what would she need to do (forwarding CV, line up possible references, etc).
It’s been several days since she sent of that email, when Julia called me fuming. I listened closely and with an empathetic ear. When she finished, I explained to her that it only had been a few days, but I do understand her frustration. However, Julia told me something that set off a small alarm in my head; he did contact her on MSN to chat. There was no mention of the job or if he spoke with HR. It was at this point that she decided to block him for a while, to figure out what was going on. I asked her to keep me posted on any new developments that occur. Certain things need to be considered here: first, men and women’s memory bank don’t work in the same way. What we all value as important, differs greatly between the sexes. I told Julia that it’s very possible that he simply forgot, and sitting there fuming about it won’t solve anything. Second, men’s approach to women is initially physical. Women don’t deny the physical, but are more in tune with the emotional needs a man can provide her. I didn’t need to explain to Julia that Robert may be physically attracted to her; I think she found that out on her own. What I did need to tell her is to be patient. If, after a week, she hasn’t heard from Robert about the job, she can do one of two things: asked him if he’s received her email or drop the whole thing altogether. I told her "if it were me, I’d drop it; Be a good loser.”
Being a good loser sounds like an oxymoron on paper, but it’s vital when dealing with things that are beyond your control. Examining Julia’s situation, both her and Robert want different things. Julia would like to get back into the flow of things and Robert may possibly be ready to date. I must say that Robert’s game plan had not been proof-read and quite frankly question how he still has a job as an advertiser! Will Robert eventually find the courage to ask Julia out and get some of his feelings out in the open? Will Julia finally land the job that she’s looking for and be able to maintain communications with Robert? Only time will tell how this situation will play out. Being honest can save a lot of wasted time and energy. In the end I hope that Robert and Julia can be completely honest with each other.
Stay tuned…
Note: names have been changed to protect the individual’s identity.
Shamira
Do you have a story to share or a topic you'd like me to write in my next post? Feel free to email me: thaluvchild@gmail.com
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Men, Women and Honesty
I had an interesting conversation with a girlfriend of mine the other day, about men and honesty. My friend and I have come a long way from being young and dumb. And as a footnote, we are no where near what society would refer to ad “old”. We are young; we’re now approaching 30! So I guess you can say we’re a bit ahead of our time.
We began our conversation with her talking about a young man she was seeing. They’ve been talking for a few months now and hung out a couple times. One evening she called asking if he wanted to hang out, since she had some free time. He awkwardly told her that he’s “with some friends”. Sounds harmless; right? Not quite. She goes on to tell me that she’s been on the phone with him while he’s been with his friends before, and needless to say his tone wasn’t “awkward”. We begin to chuckle because this was familiar territory; it’s so obvious he was with a girl (who was probably eyeballing him for answering his phone). She concluded that she wasn’t going to waste the little time she had, investigating the matter like she would’ve in the past. Instead she shrugged it off and decided if it’s meant to be, it’ll happen.
“Isn’t it great when we can see the signs right away?” I asked her. She agreed.
Men
Be aware of the questions that are being asked. I don’t recall the last time I asked my boyfriend if I looked good, fat, ugly and the list goes on, in an outfit. Shouldn’t it be more important how I feel and that I actually like what I have on? Men I know you love us, so no matter what we put on we’ll always look great. But if you are faced with this infamous question, turn the tables on your lady and ask her how she feels about the outfit? If she makes a face or asks why are you turning the question around, tell her it’s because you want her to feel comfortable in what she’s wearing and that you honestly cannot make that decision for her. And the truth is YOU CAN’T! Many women ask what I call a “catch 22 question” where no matter the answer you give, it will be wrong. And the reason they ask, is because they are caught in a place of indecision and are looking for a second opinion. Sometimes we don’t like the second opinion we get from our men, so we get upset. What is the result? We leave our mates confused and a bit dejected. So men, I would like to apologize on behalf of the female gender for our many confusing antics, but in a small way it’s what makes us special. I can assure you not all of us are like this; some of us grow out of it. Keep your heads up.
Ladies
Learn to field your questions in a more productive way. STOP!!! Stop asking direct questions to which you may not like the answer. Using the example above; why ask the question if the assumption is he’ll lie to you to make you happy. Pay attention to what he’s trying to do; make you happy! So don’t get mad at him for trying. If you are dissatisfied with his answer, then take two seconds to think what the real problem is; could it be your mood at the moment? Hey, I get pms too! I have bad days, but its no reason to take it out on the one person that cares about you. Remember that your man’s main concern is to make sure you have a smile on your face at all times. Do him (and yourself) a favor and help him out; stop making it so hard for him. You need to understand that men approach problem-solving differently. I think that is something we consider, instead of getting upset.
In closing, I would like to say that honesty is relative. I compare it to happiness; we say we want it, but we can’t necessarily put our finger on it and how we want to receive it. We do what we can until we get to the next plateau. Once we’ve reached that plateau, we enjoy it for the moment, and then we re-assess. All I can say is that we do the best with what we got, and enjoy the gifts that are given to us.
Shamira
If you have a story to share or a topic you'd like me to write in my next post, feel free to email me: thaluvchild@gmail.com
Monday, October 13, 2008
Let Me Introduce Myself
Greetings One and All!
I thought I'd take this time to introduce myself and explain a little bit about what to expect from my blogs. I'm Shamira and it is safe to assume that my weekly blogs will consist of the ups and downs of relationships. The focus will be on intimate relationships as well as family and friends, since we are also influenced by their words and actions.
I am no relationship expert; I do not hold a degree in this area. However, the plan is to share what I (and others) have learned. By doing so, maybe someone out there will learn how to handle difficult situations or they may find a new approach based on what is shared.
Though I may share what I've learned along the way for myself and from others, it does not mean that I'm unwilling to learn more. I want this to be an interactive experience, so do not feel shy about posting your comments; whether you agree or disagree; we are all here to learn from each other. They say the dumbest question is the one you don't ask; feel free to ask for my opinion on anything. Who knows; your question may be the subject of my next blog!
I am really excited about embarking on this journey with you. I would like to thank you for stopping by and hope that you return soon.
Shamira
I thought I'd take this time to introduce myself and explain a little bit about what to expect from my blogs. I'm Shamira and it is safe to assume that my weekly blogs will consist of the ups and downs of relationships. The focus will be on intimate relationships as well as family and friends, since we are also influenced by their words and actions.
I am no relationship expert; I do not hold a degree in this area. However, the plan is to share what I (and others) have learned. By doing so, maybe someone out there will learn how to handle difficult situations or they may find a new approach based on what is shared.
Though I may share what I've learned along the way for myself and from others, it does not mean that I'm unwilling to learn more. I want this to be an interactive experience, so do not feel shy about posting your comments; whether you agree or disagree; we are all here to learn from each other. They say the dumbest question is the one you don't ask; feel free to ask for my opinion on anything. Who knows; your question may be the subject of my next blog!
I am really excited about embarking on this journey with you. I would like to thank you for stopping by and hope that you return soon.
Shamira
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